June 05, 2006
Yesterday I did something I haven't done before - combing a woman's hair. Grandma's hair was getting kind of messed up, so we brought a comb and a barrette from home to help her. So, I combed her hair. I've heard that women really like their hair being combed - I really don't understand why though. But, grandma liked it.
Today was harder though. Early his morning they called and let us know that grandma's dementia is worse than is apparent, and she's going to need care 24/7 - either with full-time nurse care in the house, or a care facility that specializes in the elderly with dementia. That kind of hit me harder. I really don't mind her moving in with us, but thinking about her with dementia (not Alzheimer’s, btw) just is a bit harder for me. I actually ended up not going to church today - just didn't feel up to it. I just feel completely wiped. So tired.
I'm at the hospital again now. She just had a new IV put into her arm. It was kind of difficult. Her veins are really good, sizewise, but really fragile. When they tried to stick her, her veins would either roll away, or burst when they tried to flush the tube. I think it took six tries before they got one to work. That means five new bruises. Luckily, she said it wasn't hurting her.
These days are just long right now. The future of what's going to happen with grandma, where she's going to live, what's going to happen - it's all just up in the air. Most of the time she seems completely lucid, other times maybe not so much. If anything it's like she's gone back to an early childhood mentality. And basically, it all seems to stem from her not eating enough. That's a problem we're still fighting with now even. She takes her medicine just fine, but food - she just doesn't want it. She really needs to eat though, not get tubed.
Anyway, that's pretty much where things stand.
Today was harder though. Early his morning they called and let us know that grandma's dementia is worse than is apparent, and she's going to need care 24/7 - either with full-time nurse care in the house, or a care facility that specializes in the elderly with dementia. That kind of hit me harder. I really don't mind her moving in with us, but thinking about her with dementia (not Alzheimer’s, btw) just is a bit harder for me. I actually ended up not going to church today - just didn't feel up to it. I just feel completely wiped. So tired.
I'm at the hospital again now. She just had a new IV put into her arm. It was kind of difficult. Her veins are really good, sizewise, but really fragile. When they tried to stick her, her veins would either roll away, or burst when they tried to flush the tube. I think it took six tries before they got one to work. That means five new bruises. Luckily, she said it wasn't hurting her.
These days are just long right now. The future of what's going to happen with grandma, where she's going to live, what's going to happen - it's all just up in the air. Most of the time she seems completely lucid, other times maybe not so much. If anything it's like she's gone back to an early childhood mentality. And basically, it all seems to stem from her not eating enough. That's a problem we're still fighting with now even. She takes her medicine just fine, but food - she just doesn't want it. She really needs to eat though, not get tubed.
Anyway, that's pretty much where things stand.
June 03, 2006
Life
I think I'll begin on an amusing note - so let me describe what I was doing at 5pm today - Shopping for lingerie for my grandma.
Okay, after your laughter has subsided, let me describe it - very awkward and difficult - I mean, what do you buy your grandma? Definitely nothing strappy or lacy, which most everything was. I'm not much of one for hanging out in women's lingerie anyway, so just being in that section felt weird. And then, looking for something for my GRANDMA - total twilight zone. But, the truth of the matter is she needed a new nightgown and robe because she is in the hospital.
So, now comes the unfunny stuff.
She didn't seem like she was doing very good when we checked on her this week, so on Tuesday I stopped by her house on my way home from Palo Alto - and I couldn't get her to let me in. I don't know if she couldn't hear me or not, but it was really weird when my dad called her on the phone and told her I was standing outside her door, and she still wouldn't let me in -all she did was come to the front window and close the blinds. I really didn't know what was going on - I felt like I did when I was 5 and I brought her a gift for mother's day and she slammed the door in my face (long story - basically, my dad's parents did not talk to our family for a LONG time - something about they felt like they'd been slighted at my parent's wedding or something - I never really understood it - but, I grew up with them really never talking to me or seeing me - nothing really till after my grandpa died when I was 11 - then slowly my grandma began a relationship with us, then cut us off again when she thought we purposely didn't go to a surprise birthday party for her [that was in another state and we couldn't afford to go to], and then when her health started getting worse a number of years ago she started talking with us again). Anyway, quick little history there.
But back to present day - and grandma in the hospital. We didn't know what was going on, so we got a doctor's appointment for the next day. When we got there we could tell she really wasn't feeling well because she was still in bed when we came - usually she's dressed and ready when we get there. Finally go her to the appointment, and the doctor did some testing, and decided he didn't want her going home alone again - too much danger of falling/breaking a hip (which can be deadly for an elderly person) - plus, she was displaying a lot of signs of confusion. So, he ordered a full panel of testing, and we brought her home. Not ready for something like that, don't have a room ready or anything, and actually still in the middle of a lot of remodeling/repairs - but what needs to be done has to be done, and a way is found, so she came home with us. What was so sad and really crushed my heart is her having to allow me to carry her up the stairs - she's only about 84 pounds, so she is not heavy, but she has her pride and dignity, and she had to set that aside. It was a lot more than her 84 pounds that I carried up the stairs.
Then that night, about 2:30 (just as I was getting ready to go to sleep) we got a call - the lab had finished her bloodwork, and we needed to get her in to the hospital right away - her sodium levels were dangerously low - a little more than 20% lower than where they should be - so we woke her up and drove down to Kaiser - and then ended up waiting about four hours before they actually started doing anything. By that time I had to go to work, which meant driving down to Palo Alto and working all day on no sleep. Between students I closed the office door and shut my eyes for about an hour, but still - an office environment isn't conducive to real sleep. I got home alright though and stayed with her in the hospital till almost 11pm. She's never stayed in the hospital, except to have her kids, which was 55-60 years ago. In a lot of ways, she's a lot like a kid. The circularity of life was really pressed on my when I was waiting in line at the pharmacy with her, and I was pushing her in a wheelchair behind a mother that was pushing her child in a stroller. A real-life representation of the sphinx's riddle.
They've down a whole lot of test now (including a CT scan - which ruled out the possibility of her having had a stroke) - basically, it seems that she really just wasn't eating enough (she's been eating like maybe an 8th of a cup of food a day by, our best guess), and just wasn't getting what she needed, which led to the sodium depletion, which led to the elements of dementia.
In short, she's going to be in the hospital for a couple more days till they get her stabilized, then she's going to be moving in with us permanently. Needless to say, life will be changing a bit. I guess that's why I'm still living at home - I'm needed at home - between my mom and my grandma - there's a whole lot of helping to be done around this house. I feel kind of like my life is put on hold, but I've lived life slow anyway - I mean, I graduated when I was 29 - so it's not really on hold, it's just moving in slow motion. I can tell you though, I'm really feeling the absence of someone...the loneliness of being single right now. But that doesn't seem to be my lot right now - caring for my family does. Whatever is put before me, I will do.
On a completely different note, there's good things happening at church - Sunday school and Wednesday nights with the high schoolers seems to be going well. And we just started up a couple small men's groups, of which I am a part of one. Since before we started this group, and even more so now, really just trying to live out Galatians 5:24. Our group is still working throughBridges' "The Pursuit of Holiness." Seems like good stuff so far, but this last week we had to cancel our meeting - one person was gone, one person had to take his wife to the hospital, and I was in the hospital with my grandma. We should get back on track next week though.
In other life - work is keeping me busy - the video project is coming along, just scheduled the last of the students tonight, and will wrap up filming next week. Scribing's been keeping me really busy too - especially with finals coming up. As such the web redesign (and the AltFormating) has been put on hold a bit. Hopefully by the end of summer the new site will be up and running. I'm going to have to brush up on my CSS. But, it's all good, and I love it, and everyone at work loves me. I so wish I could just stay there, but full time work (and benefits) are something I really need, so the job search continues. I don't know how many resumes I've sent out now - I've totally lost count. Keep running into the "must have 3-5 years experience" brick wall. When the time is right, something will give. Until then, Stanford will keep me busy and keep my bills paid. And now with grandma coming home, moving out (at least moving very far away) really isn't an option. I'll keep looking though.
Full-time work, my own residence, a good woman - I'm having about the same luck in all three areas. Which, basically, means none. I don't give up though, and God takes care of me where I am. Just keep holding on to Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
Amen
Okay, after your laughter has subsided, let me describe it - very awkward and difficult - I mean, what do you buy your grandma? Definitely nothing strappy or lacy, which most everything was. I'm not much of one for hanging out in women's lingerie anyway, so just being in that section felt weird. And then, looking for something for my GRANDMA - total twilight zone. But, the truth of the matter is she needed a new nightgown and robe because she is in the hospital.
So, now comes the unfunny stuff.
She didn't seem like she was doing very good when we checked on her this week, so on Tuesday I stopped by her house on my way home from Palo Alto - and I couldn't get her to let me in. I don't know if she couldn't hear me or not, but it was really weird when my dad called her on the phone and told her I was standing outside her door, and she still wouldn't let me in -all she did was come to the front window and close the blinds. I really didn't know what was going on - I felt like I did when I was 5 and I brought her a gift for mother's day and she slammed the door in my face (long story - basically, my dad's parents did not talk to our family for a LONG time - something about they felt like they'd been slighted at my parent's wedding or something - I never really understood it - but, I grew up with them really never talking to me or seeing me - nothing really till after my grandpa died when I was 11 - then slowly my grandma began a relationship with us, then cut us off again when she thought we purposely didn't go to a surprise birthday party for her [that was in another state and we couldn't afford to go to], and then when her health started getting worse a number of years ago she started talking with us again). Anyway, quick little history there.
But back to present day - and grandma in the hospital. We didn't know what was going on, so we got a doctor's appointment for the next day. When we got there we could tell she really wasn't feeling well because she was still in bed when we came - usually she's dressed and ready when we get there. Finally go her to the appointment, and the doctor did some testing, and decided he didn't want her going home alone again - too much danger of falling/breaking a hip (which can be deadly for an elderly person) - plus, she was displaying a lot of signs of confusion. So, he ordered a full panel of testing, and we brought her home. Not ready for something like that, don't have a room ready or anything, and actually still in the middle of a lot of remodeling/repairs - but what needs to be done has to be done, and a way is found, so she came home with us. What was so sad and really crushed my heart is her having to allow me to carry her up the stairs - she's only about 84 pounds, so she is not heavy, but she has her pride and dignity, and she had to set that aside. It was a lot more than her 84 pounds that I carried up the stairs.
Then that night, about 2:30 (just as I was getting ready to go to sleep) we got a call - the lab had finished her bloodwork, and we needed to get her in to the hospital right away - her sodium levels were dangerously low - a little more than 20% lower than where they should be - so we woke her up and drove down to Kaiser - and then ended up waiting about four hours before they actually started doing anything. By that time I had to go to work, which meant driving down to Palo Alto and working all day on no sleep. Between students I closed the office door and shut my eyes for about an hour, but still - an office environment isn't conducive to real sleep. I got home alright though and stayed with her in the hospital till almost 11pm. She's never stayed in the hospital, except to have her kids, which was 55-60 years ago. In a lot of ways, she's a lot like a kid. The circularity of life was really pressed on my when I was waiting in line at the pharmacy with her, and I was pushing her in a wheelchair behind a mother that was pushing her child in a stroller. A real-life representation of the sphinx's riddle.
They've down a whole lot of test now (including a CT scan - which ruled out the possibility of her having had a stroke) - basically, it seems that she really just wasn't eating enough (she's been eating like maybe an 8th of a cup of food a day by, our best guess), and just wasn't getting what she needed, which led to the sodium depletion, which led to the elements of dementia.
In short, she's going to be in the hospital for a couple more days till they get her stabilized, then she's going to be moving in with us permanently. Needless to say, life will be changing a bit. I guess that's why I'm still living at home - I'm needed at home - between my mom and my grandma - there's a whole lot of helping to be done around this house. I feel kind of like my life is put on hold, but I've lived life slow anyway - I mean, I graduated when I was 29 - so it's not really on hold, it's just moving in slow motion. I can tell you though, I'm really feeling the absence of someone...the loneliness of being single right now. But that doesn't seem to be my lot right now - caring for my family does. Whatever is put before me, I will do.
On a completely different note, there's good things happening at church - Sunday school and Wednesday nights with the high schoolers seems to be going well. And we just started up a couple small men's groups, of which I am a part of one. Since before we started this group, and even more so now, really just trying to live out Galatians 5:24. Our group is still working throughBridges' "The Pursuit of Holiness." Seems like good stuff so far, but this last week we had to cancel our meeting - one person was gone, one person had to take his wife to the hospital, and I was in the hospital with my grandma. We should get back on track next week though.
In other life - work is keeping me busy - the video project is coming along, just scheduled the last of the students tonight, and will wrap up filming next week. Scribing's been keeping me really busy too - especially with finals coming up. As such the web redesign (and the AltFormating) has been put on hold a bit. Hopefully by the end of summer the new site will be up and running. I'm going to have to brush up on my CSS. But, it's all good, and I love it, and everyone at work loves me. I so wish I could just stay there, but full time work (and benefits) are something I really need, so the job search continues. I don't know how many resumes I've sent out now - I've totally lost count. Keep running into the "must have 3-5 years experience" brick wall. When the time is right, something will give. Until then, Stanford will keep me busy and keep my bills paid. And now with grandma coming home, moving out (at least moving very far away) really isn't an option. I'll keep looking though.
Full-time work, my own residence, a good woman - I'm having about the same luck in all three areas. Which, basically, means none. I don't give up though, and God takes care of me where I am. Just keep holding on to Romans 8:28
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
Amen
