June 07, 2005
Sometimes I so very much wish I was more out in the world. I don't dislike living at home for now, but it is not ideal either. To a large degree, I feel like I haven't been able to start my own life yet. I feel that this is where I need to be for right now though, to help my mom. Her health is so up and down, mostly down I guess. It's not all physical though, not in my opinion, and those parts are what I find most wearing. Lord knows I have my own issues too, so I can't talk that much. I just need more grace I guess. Grace and discipline for myself.
I wish I knew what my work situation was going to look like in three months. I still have little things here and there at the DRC, but part time work will not cut it when I have to start paying back my student loans and want to get my own place. I'd really like to buy, but it seems like nothing around here goes for less than three or four hundred thousand anymore. A friend wose parent's house is really tiny, not up to code, and leaks, is worth like 600,000, just because of where it is. Such is life. No long-lost relatives to inherit any money from...maybe some heiress will fall in love with me - ha, right.
No, really though, housing is a but of a concern. I don;t worry about it much though - probably not enough in truth. I don't really worry about much. Life always seems to come together. Very often by the slimmest margin, but it does. Finances are one area that I've never really felt any doubt in God about. Well, since they are a major point of contention in marriages, maybe that will be a good thing. Unless my wife's the opposite way. I don't really see that happening though. Speaking of which, I keep getting more and more lonely, longing for a companion; yet at the same time, I am becoming more and more apathetic about looking for someone. I've found a couple girls here and there over the years that I think/thought would work - that I liked and felt were Godly women with personalities that would mesh with mine, not to mention being beautiful - but something always derails anything from happening. Actually, it is kind of amusing. Several times, maybe 60-70% of the time, when I like someone and ask them out, and then nothing comes of it, they end up getting engaged to someone within a few months. Several times this has happened. Well, to be honest, there haven't been that many women I've felt that way about, so the sample size is rather small, but still. (You up North, watch out, you're probably next.)
Writing seems to be becoming more difficult for me again. I'm all mused out it seems. I used to be able to pick just about anyone or anything to be my muse...it's a lot more difficult now. I wonder if there is much of a difference between pickiness and discernment. In some ways, it seems the more/deeper I see things, the less I see. All fancy-speak that isn't saying anything, or that is taking forever and using way too many words to say a simple thing. Or is it simple.... I love Cary Grant's quote: "A (blank) is the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicular muscles in a state of contraction." If you know the quote you know that "kiss" goes in the blank. It's so much like poetry. Show, don't tell. That's a point in my writing that I've always struggled with. It's so much easier to tell. It lets you avoid the facts, lets you walk around the real issues. I think that's why so much of my writing analogy centers around death imagery. Writing, good writing, is the baring of one's soul, which is never an easy thing to do.
I just want to be growing, to be changing for the better, to be becoming in a measurable way the man God made me to be. There's so much that I want to do, so much that I want to become...
I just ask Lord for the grace for this day.
I wish I knew what my work situation was going to look like in three months. I still have little things here and there at the DRC, but part time work will not cut it when I have to start paying back my student loans and want to get my own place. I'd really like to buy, but it seems like nothing around here goes for less than three or four hundred thousand anymore. A friend wose parent's house is really tiny, not up to code, and leaks, is worth like 600,000, just because of where it is. Such is life. No long-lost relatives to inherit any money from...maybe some heiress will fall in love with me - ha, right.
No, really though, housing is a but of a concern. I don;t worry about it much though - probably not enough in truth. I don't really worry about much. Life always seems to come together. Very often by the slimmest margin, but it does. Finances are one area that I've never really felt any doubt in God about. Well, since they are a major point of contention in marriages, maybe that will be a good thing. Unless my wife's the opposite way. I don't really see that happening though. Speaking of which, I keep getting more and more lonely, longing for a companion; yet at the same time, I am becoming more and more apathetic about looking for someone. I've found a couple girls here and there over the years that I think/thought would work - that I liked and felt were Godly women with personalities that would mesh with mine, not to mention being beautiful - but something always derails anything from happening. Actually, it is kind of amusing. Several times, maybe 60-70% of the time, when I like someone and ask them out, and then nothing comes of it, they end up getting engaged to someone within a few months. Several times this has happened. Well, to be honest, there haven't been that many women I've felt that way about, so the sample size is rather small, but still. (You up North, watch out, you're probably next.)
Writing seems to be becoming more difficult for me again. I'm all mused out it seems. I used to be able to pick just about anyone or anything to be my muse...it's a lot more difficult now. I wonder if there is much of a difference between pickiness and discernment. In some ways, it seems the more/deeper I see things, the less I see. All fancy-speak that isn't saying anything, or that is taking forever and using way too many words to say a simple thing. Or is it simple.... I love Cary Grant's quote: "A (blank) is the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicular muscles in a state of contraction." If you know the quote you know that "kiss" goes in the blank. It's so much like poetry. Show, don't tell. That's a point in my writing that I've always struggled with. It's so much easier to tell. It lets you avoid the facts, lets you walk around the real issues. I think that's why so much of my writing analogy centers around death imagery. Writing, good writing, is the baring of one's soul, which is never an easy thing to do.
I just want to be growing, to be changing for the better, to be becoming in a measurable way the man God made me to be. There's so much that I want to do, so much that I want to become...
I just ask Lord for the grace for this day.
